dear reader,
i have rough edges
my hands are both rough and smooth
please place your trust in them
there are tender topics here
i will not drop your trust
cc: feeling located
i wanna talk about who i was when i met my ex-husband
and
i wanna talk about chicago
when i met my ex-husband i had been sober for six months
someone who had utilized booze wrongly from the age of 13
someone who had utilized alcohol often
i had hit a point where i had normalized describing myself as a dog who had been hit just one too many times. ya know- not completely far gone and over the cliff but toying with physics.
myself as both dog
and hitter
that's who i was at 28 when i met my ex-husband
and so much of me feels that way again at 36
a little too far gone
but not completely lost
and instead of being buried by that
like i was at 28
i'm choosing to focus on the opportunity to build it differently
not that i'm back here
not that i built something unsustainable
to focus on the why's
in-between
and all i've learned
and instead of being buried by it
i'm choosing to take these why's
and turn them into how's
who knows
what it's going to look like
where i'll be a year from now
but i know i'm done toying with physics
and ready to learn
ready to put into practice
because i don't want to be vivian maier*
(lemme go over that one more time)
i don't want to be vivian maier
i wanna figure out how to take these
and turn them into
and chicago helps me do this
in so many ways
the history here is palpable
you taste it in every step
it's a city of intersections
a city where timelines are stacked
the L descending down into the city's undertow
just to ascend back out into it's canopy
chicago is a magical place
ha, so now
i'm being kneaded
by serendipity
(and have been for some time now)
while living, now, in a magical place
(not so long)
and it's a lot
an example:
*the second apartment i've lived in's'on w north ave. i immediately began walking east from oakley to the lake almost daily. and one day passed by this mural that resonated very deeply in me like a hammer against the gong waaaay behind all the other gongs you never move, heading east on north. the familiarity of kodak, being from Rochester, NY, being a genuine lover of hands and how we use them, to the mural itself which is breathtaking. so i took some pictures of it and put them here.
about a week later, i was walking on a date and asked him if he had seen this mural while we passed it.
he being a filmmaker and photographer.
he who knew all about vivian maier and had just watched finding vivian maier.
he who just began saying all these slicing things like
a hermetic artist who never showed their work to anyone
someone private and difficult
a secret amongst us
this incredible street artist who lived as a nanny
who had such a flirty love affair with the world around her
and how funny he thought it was to hold someone up in such a grand light
to reward them so
posthumously as an artist
and then to hear the children she nannied
be like
'yeah- she was really mean'
so that's what i mean by it's a lot. it's like elements are stacked here in chicago like sedimentary rock. a cohesion within our universal story because it all overlaps here
and yet
i feel located
chicago demands a keen eye
and the ability to stomach the truth
demanding company is how you build it differently
truth is how you build it right
i remember laying as a very young person under our dining room table petting our black lab, Simon, and balling my eyes out because i knew i couldn't marry him
that's how i love chicago
from below and above
from above and below
merry christmas dear reader
patiently searching
with a pocket full of crumbs,
