(remember that I was gonna stash another five weavings around downtown chicago to celebrate New Years?)
dear reader,
you know when you make something one person's problem,
instead of
allowing a problem
to crack
to fractal out like a crystal in direct sunlight
to gain a wider view on it?
my mental health changes
when i go without (very necessary) corrected vision
when i embrace my natural vision
accept my eyes as they are
i dont know what it is,
but i know there's a correlation
leading us to
the introduced
visual conundrum
(whoisitthati'mwritingto?)
cause i can't see shit
but when i take the time
to go without my glasses
to make my way in a natural state
it changes how i feel
i'm hesitant to give up this relationship
despite how much i would love to consider lasik
despite how much i would love to see
the mummy
was a fan favorite vhs in our house
(one of our houses)
growing up
it took me a long time to figure out why
the scene
when the guy's glasses get stepped up
haunted me so
despite the comfort of knowing
in a broken world
no matter what
i could see
i'm hesitant to give up this relationship
an idea to fractal:
you know the little red barn at the optometrist? the test that focuses and unfocuses and shoots the puff of air right into your eye? i was like a feral child when it came to this test.
(maybe just feral in general)
another type of visual haunting maybe.
anyways.
this focusing and unfocusing has kind of become a large piece of the bedrock of who i am. a large piece of the bedrock of toolboxearth. how the art, the weavings, are intended to be used.
to focus and unfocus as you move around a piece
to see what happens
to see if it changes how you feel
another way i see it is as a timelapse
(this is the idea I've been making someone else's problem
hounding them
trying to make a me problem a you problem)
take this visualizer calle 13 uses
but instead of
everything
moving gradually
everything
focusing and unfocusing
laterally
images are being focused
and unfocused
with our individual
prescriptions
like the barn
images being unfocused
fractaled out
to our individual eyesights
and focused back in
to a universal
everyone can see it
one
i remember
when i was maybe 12 or 13 my uncle rick gave me a kodak camera as a birthday present with a set of lenses in a sturdy leather shoulder bag case. a camera of his he never used. my aunt worked for kodak, so i'm sure it truly was no hair off his head but it was a golden gift to me.
there was a tall pine across the street in the neighbor's yard.
on a snow day
bundling up
'where are you going?'
across the street to take pictures of al's tree
and i think i took at least two full rolls of film
of that tree
i danced around it and with it
exploring micromovements*
found a howling curiosity
of what these small shifts
would do to a final image
a howling need to compare them
i was mocked for years
because of those pictures i took
because i wasted the film
because the photos were so similar
because i wasted the film
because i was stupid
because i wasted the film
soon after
i gave the camera
to my friend stephanie
please take it. i want you to have it. i'm not ever going to use it
i remember
being 20 years old standing
watching water move
next to you
and trying to explain
a composition
you remained squatting
offered me
your camera
and a spot
next to you
'here.showme'
couldnt
i wanna think we all have these moments
these small moments
that unknowingly dictate
the purpose we find
the purpose we become entangled with
a part of
our way in
the catalyst to change is integration
fractaling out
finding all these different versions of it
and putting them to use
with truth
with profound truth
(as we all have)
until something
strikes
catches
ignites
keep going until it catches
because
i'm ready now
to squat down next to you
to take the camera you trusted me with
from the start
to show you
ideas and curiosities
each of us as individuals
speaking whatever truth we have to say
without being critical
i'm hesitant to give up this relationship
but it certainly has changed shape
unfocused
refocused
using a new prescription
it's important to recognize when something
has changed
not when something
is changing
but when it
has changed
and i wonder what will happen now
because my mental health
changes
when i go without
the critical nature
of corrective vision
jumping over fallen trees,
my hands pressing a warm cloth into your face,
